Middle aged, in debt & Single

Dear GayAgonyUncle

I feel suffocated with life. I’m in my 30’s and still live with my parents. In lots of debt, in a dead end job and have just been dumped by yet another guy. I’m sat at my brand new lap top and listening to music on a new stereo that I’ve bought with money I don’t have. I buy stuff just to make myself feel better. I’m pleased and like what I have bought but I know I don’t have the means to pay for it.

My life is crap, and I can’t see any way out of it. Why can’t my life be the way others are?  I want a nice home, car and a loving relationship with a happy future. All I see is unpaid bills, a failed love life and shitty career and living at home with ageing parents. How can I change?

Barry F


Barry

Start with returning the stereo and laptop back to the store.  The quick fix pleasure of buying things is not going to make you happy. Consumerism is like putting a plaster over a wound that needs stitches. You need to get back to basics.  Start with things that you can change, slowly, but surely you will make headway and with each success you will feel a sense of achievement.

Inventory:

Carry out an inventory of your life.  Edit your possessions and look at areas that you can improve and develop. Working on your finances is the easiest area to start improving, it’s a matter of black and white, look what you have that you don’t need, use or want and look to sell it and pay off your debt. It’s not unusual to use shopping as an emotional patch to compensate for insecurities and stresses.  The pleasure effect never usually last long and plunges the person further into a downward spiral.

Relationships:

A relationship will not solve your problems, it will put more stress onto the people in it.  Unless of course the other person bails the other out of all the problems financially and emotionally. However, this type of relationship is based on the parent and child model, which isn’t particularly long lasting or healthy.

Start with:

Writing down the areas that you want to improve on.  Commence with your finances, then career which will then follow with your living circumstances.  Work out a short, medium and long term plan to get yourself to your goals.  Don’t set yourself up to fail.   This is not a crash course diet where you can rarely keep up with the strict regime.  Work with a logical and consistent plan to move forward. Focus on your physical and financial needs in your life.  After you feel settled and content with each goal, then move onto concentrating on your emotional and relationship needs.


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